The organization at the core is so old-school. It has been in existence for 5 decades now. Many people have been there from 50 years ago and hold to a very strict, very entrenched conditioning about never saying anything negative about the teacher. To say anything negative about the teacher was considered slander. There was a lot of indoctrination regarding that stance, from the beginning. My hope is that they will begin to see through that conditioning.[1]
He was exceedingly flawed. He taught many things that were totally contradictory. He repeatedly said to love the teachings not the teacher, and never to worship a human. But then he actually demanded total obedience and subservience.
They are actually all in a cult mindset that is keeping them bound, and actually it keeps him bound too. That communication happened to me just before the I published the book. I got the message that he can never be free as long as his people continue to be attached to him like this.
What happened is I was moving right up to the moment of publication, investing lots of money and time and energy, and I had a proof copy, which is a paperback proof of the book so you can make some more corrections. I was up in the middle of the night, which was happening in that period of time, I just couldn't get back to sleep because of my mental activity. So I was proofing, looking at some of the last pages, and I thought, “Oh my God, I can't do this.” I got into my dilemma, my conflict, and I decided, “Okay I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to put it out there. I'm going to let it go.”
So I kind of gave myself permission to do that, and then I managed to go back to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up I felt clear, I felt free, I felt open. Then a light came in up above my head and to the right, about the size of a car’s headlight. And in the center of that light was a profile image of Yogi Bhajan. In all the years since I left, I've never had him come to me. He's been a dream symbol for me at times, but I've never felt like he came to me before. I did feel that in this instance his essence was sending a message.
There was this light and there was this image of him. There were no words, but the energetic was ‘thank you’. The energetic was of a blessing or appreciation, and it was warm. I was surprised, and then I understood: Oh my God, he's trapped. He is caught. My story is going to help people to get free of him and that will, in turn, free him.
I had recently been studying a book of Pema Chodron’s, The Way of the Bodhisattva. She explains that the Bodhisattva seeks to keep reincarnating in order to pray, in order to serve and uplift all beings until all have been freed. The recognition is that we’re one. Truly we’re all one. And none of us can really be free until we're all free. What I understood with that little experience and the communication, the feeling communication that came from it, was that Yogi Bhajan is trapped. He is caught in what the Buddhists would call the hell realm. He can never get free until his people are free. He actually used to call me his philosopher, and he would sometimes say that I was a Buddhist.
I think my memoir is a great little book for a book club. It opens with a sensational experience of almost bleeding to death. This makes people really want to know what's going on. That makes it a page-turner. But the real revelations are the subtle things that follow. I never tell the reader what to think about YB, but his own dialogue informs what you think about him, or gives you clues, and you can think whatever you think. For most people the most revealing part of the story is the way you can see him functioning in relation to me.
[1] YB = Yogi Bhajan. Interview with Pamela Saharah Dyson, February 12, 2020